A Touch of (CL)ASS

The 2009 Emmy Awards - Live Snark!!

2009-09-20T16:39:00.001-04:00

&amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;amp;altcast_code=ca25347223" &amp;gt;The 2009 Emmy Awards - Live Snark!!&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

Where the hell have I been?

2009-06-27T09:35:00.005-04:00

Total Weight Watchers loss to date: 20 pounds

So, I have been away from the blog for a couple of months. No other reason other than I got busy and then forgot to update. I was out with some friends last night having dinner / drinks and one of them asked me about my blog. My response was "Oh...right! I have a blog!" So here I am.

So what have I been up to? Nothing specific...job search stuff...catching up with folks...went to New Mexico on vacation for about 5 days...saw a lot of theater. Saw Hair, 9 to 5, and Norman Conquests. LOVED Norman Conquests, really liked Hair, and tolerated 9 to 5.

So I know this is rambling and full of non sequiturs but I hadn't really thought about what I wanted to write beyond just catching up a bit. I also just realized I have started the past three paragraphs with the word "So."

Anyway (see, I didn't use "so), I had indicated in my last post that I had a followup story to my post on court shows. About 10 years ago I was selected to be on a jury in a civil case at the court in Jersey City. This was the first time I had ever been called for jury duty and as luck would have it, I got picked to serve on a case. While part of me was irritated that I had to do this, the other part of me was interested to see what it was all about.

The case I was serving on was a personal injury case. A woman had slipped in the snow on this commercial property, injured her shoulder, and was suing the owners of the property for negligence. Sounds simple enough...but her case was so laughably bad and full of holes that I was being thoroughly entertained. Here are the facts:

The incident occurred at 2am in the morning when it had been snowing for about an hour
The plaintiff was walking home when she decided to cut across the defendant's property and she slipped in the snow. The property is a machinist's shop, which was closed, and she had no business on the property other than cutting across to make her trip home shorter
After she fell and got hurt, the first call she made was not to her doctor or the hospital, but to her attorney
During the case, she claimed that she had been hurt so badly that she needed to have surgery on her rotator cuff and that she could no longer ride her motorcycle or do other activities that required used of her upper arms or shoulder. (Read into that what you will.)
Several witnesses came forward to testify that they had seen her around town riding her motorcycle, pumping her fist in the air at people, working on her car at the garage when it was up on the rack, etc.
She claimed that the person riding the bike and fixing the car was her "boyfriend" who used to wear her helmet and had long hair in the back like hers (ie: a mullet). I guess she didn't realize that wearing her rainbow earrings to court was a good indicator to the jury that she was lying and in no way did she have a "boyfriend." Henceforth, we will call her Jersey City Lesbian...JCL for short.
The jury ruled in favor of the defendant as she clearly seemed to be just looking to get some money

Ok, fast forward about 5 years later and I am watching People's Court. They introduce the Defendant...it is the famous JCL! She is suing another car shop for getting her car upholstery dirty while they were fixing her car. She had a 10 year old Honda and she was suing them for $3,000 to clean the interior and replace the carpets in the car...even though the car shop had already offered to clean the interior for her and take care of it...she refused and decided to sue them on People's Court.

Before she began her testimony, JCL took the time to state "Judge, before I start, I want to take the time to tell you that you are beautiful and I am a huge fan of your show." Judge Marilyn Milian's response "Ok, when you are done sucking up to the judge, you can begin." The case is presented..the judge pretty much laughs at her..and she is thrown out. Case closed.

Out of all this, I guess it can be summed up as folows..you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear.

Don't judge me...

2009-04-01T13:04:00.006-04:00

For years I have had this twisted and sick fascination with court shows. I am not talking about shows like Law & Order, Perry Mason, or Court TV...oh no, I am talking about lowbrow shows like Judge Judy, People's Court, Judge Joe Brown, etc.

For some reason I seem to live for this shit. I have never been in trouble with the law (that I will admit to) nor have I been sued or sued anyone. Though there are a couple of instances where I served on a jury, but I will get to that later.

Every day I TiVo Judge Judy and People's Court. These two are my favorite. They both have a lot of sass and attitude and have their own catchphrases which crack me up. Judge Judy is hosted by former NYC family court judge, Judith Sheindlin. Judy (as I will now call her because we are close), basically doesn't put up with bullshit and excuses and doesn't really have a ton of empathy for most people. She tends to be fact based and is dismissive of any case that seems petty or foolish, regardless if there is any sort of actual legality involved.

Here is a summary of about 80% of the cases that come before her:

Girl loves boy. Girl gives boy money. Boy never pays her back. Girl gives him more money. Boy never pays her back. Girl gives him more money. Boy has three baby mamas on the side. Girl loves boy and puts up with it. Boy dumps girl. Girl is scorned. Classic love story.

So because she is pissed and scorned, she sues him for all the money she gave him while they were in love. Suddenly the money is now a loan..the guys says she kept giving him money so he took it. It was a gift.

Judge Judy usually says: "So what do you want me to do? You picked him. Goodbye!"

I guess what I like about her is that as acerbic as she is, she has a point. People need to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions. If it doesn't turn out the way you wanted, too bad. Live with it or work on changing it. However, you don't get rewarded for being an idiot.

My favorite phrases Judy says sound moronic but actually ring very true:

"Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining!" - (i.e. Don't bullshit me. )

"Beauty fades, dumb is forever." (i.e. stop acting like a hoochie and use your brain for once)

"Don't try to teach a pig to sing, it never works, and it irritates the pig." - (i.e. don't try to change anyone, it doesn't work, and just pisses them off. )

The second show is People's Court. Now I have watched this show off and on since I was a little kid. I have seen each incarnation through Judge Wapner, Ed Koch, Jerry Sheindlin (yes, Judy's husband), and finally Marilyn Milian. Marilyn Milian is my favorite...she is a Latina originally from Queens but now lives in Miami. She brings her boricua attitude to everything and every once in a while when she is getting all worked up she throws out phrases in Spanish like Ricky Ricardo. However, the thing about her is she has empathy, she is willing to give people a bit of a chance to explain things, before she calls bullshit.

My favorite case ever on her show had to do with a woman who was suing her best friend. Her best friend was a rather large gal (OK, bitch was huge) who broke her sink in her bathroom. How did she break the sink? Why, she was getting nailed by her boyfriend on the sink while they were visiting her friend's house. She didn't think she should have to pay because they didn't break it on purpose. Cut to the chase...she lost and now needs to find another place to make sexy times.

Judge Milian has a few catchphrases herself that amuse the hell out of me..usually they are said in Spanish, so I will translate (because I am so international.):

"Where you are going, I already went there, sat down, had a soda, and then came home." (i.e. I already know the bullshit story you are going to tell me. )

"I itch here, but you are scratching me there." (i.e. I am asking you one question, but you are answering another)

"The cheap comes out expensive." (i.e. Because you were such a cheap bastard and wouldn't do the right thing, now your ass has to pay more than you would have otherwise.)

Both Judge Judy and Judge Marilyn could save themselves a lot of time if they boiled them down to my own personal catchphrase, "Own your shit."

I will tell you all about my experience as a juror in the next posting...it links directly to the People's Court and left me flummoxed! (I love that word.)

Oh blah di...oh blah da...

2009-03-24T15:21:00.002-04:00

Weight Watchers Update: Down 2 pounds

I have been away from writing the blog the past week. No other reason but life gets busy, you focus on other stuff, you are busy being you. Not sure there is much humor or wittiness going on today, as I am sort of focused work mode so far this week.

Though I have been very social lately...well, I am pretty social in general. However, last week I decided to put all job search stuff aside and just focus on some lighter stuff for a bit. If watching Belinda Carlisle get kicked off "Dancing with the Hasbeens" was the highlight of my week, then that would be pretty sad.

Instead I met friends for lunch in the city on Wednesday. They are former co-workers and we met for lunch downstairs in the big mall area down from the office. It was lots of fun seeing them, but also a reminder that I do not necessarily miss the hectic atmosphere at work that was going on in the last couple of months of 2008. I liked my work and I liked the people I was with, but there was just so much tension at times and everyone was so caught up in what everyone else was doing. I was getting very over it and wished everyone would focus on their own crap or more important stuff, like whether or not Britney actually sings live on her tour. I then ran into two more groups of friends of work after lunch. It was nice seeing them as well, but also felt mildly disconnected on whats going on since I no longer work there.

I also met friends for drinks on Thursday night (more incidental run-ins with work folks), met friends for drinks on Friday night, and then spent the day with Ranniel and some other friends in the city on Saturday. By the time Saturday night rolled around, I got home around 9-ish and found myself feeling like I just spent a day inside World of Warcraft and was EXHAUSTED.

Anywho, on Monday I got myself re-focused on work and job search. I did a couple of things actually. I joined my local library.I don't think I had been in one since grad school. It was kinda nice to get inside and go through the books and get some quiet time. I then parked myself on the second floor and banged out a revised version of my resume and sent it off to the "coach." I am meeting with him tomorrow, so hopefully he will have some good feedback. I actually want this damn resume done already, as I am over doing all the "exercises" and would like to actually get on with the real job search. I am checking stuff out online and while I am seeing some promising things, there is nothing out there that necessarily gets me all hot and bothered and panting.

I am in the library right now actually. There is some guy sitting across from me with his laptop and has his headphones on. He is mad-grooving to his music and periodically will break out into a little salsa move with his arms. Oblivious to the fact that there are 4 other people at the big table looking at him like he is the next go get kicked off that awful dancing show :)

Heaven was a place on Dancing with the Stars...

2009-03-18T16:21:00.002-04:00

When I was in Junior High and then High School, I was a huge fan of the Go-Go's, specifically Belinda Carlisle. I loved the pure pop sounds that came out of her mouth, and when she went solo, I followed her career like a stalker. I had the cassette of her first album and taped her "Mad About You" video off of "Friday Night Videos." I remembered that episode specifically because I watched it over and over. That particular episode was hosted by Peter Scolari and Julia Duffy of "Newhart." Guess they had nothing better to do on a Friday night.

When her second album, "Heaven on Earth" came out, I was taken over the top in my craziness. I went through several copies of that album and culminated my obsession by seeing her on the "Good Heavens Tour" in the summer of '88 at the Garden State Arts Center.

As time marched on, so did Belinda, but unfortunately, her career did not. However, there I was buying each and every subsequent album. Including last years all French CD called "Voila!" (So original Belinda.) My brothers used to tease me that I would go see her in concert and be the only one there...all alone...holding my lighter in the air during "Circle in the Sand." Damn right.

So anywho, when I heard she was going to be on "Dancing with the Has-beens" this season, I thought.."Cool, we can see what her botoxed face looks like" and "Why would they choose Belinda?" and "Maybe this will revive interest in her." So I decided to watch a show I have not seen since the first season. Let's begin...

Her botoxed face looks...well...botoxed. She reminds me a little of Priscilla Presley without the misshapen lips. She looks pretty good for a lady at 50. She did a horrid waltz, but did a mildly good Salsa. Though she reminded me a bit of those older ladies at a family wedding who think they are still hot and shake their tits like it's their job. Overall, she was respectable. Not the WORST, but definitely not the best. After watching the performance I thought Belinda was heading into Cougar territory. She ended her salsa by running and doing a handstand in front of her partner...legs spread...cooch in his face. Belinda is now become saucy in the Cougar Den! Sidebar: Belinda is married to Morgan Mason, son of late actor James Mason. She has a 17 year old openly gay son who is the head of the Youth Democratic Party in California.

In terms of why they chose her, I think it is because she is the perfect "has-been."She was once a semi-big star and now folks have no idea where she is or could care less. Haul the old gal out for a little bit...give her a little jolt...and people might start paying attention to her again.

Finally, did it revive interest in her...not a chance. Although she was ranked 10th out of 13 stars in terms of judges scores, the general public could give a shit about her and told her to go-go and she was the first one voted out. Shockingly, she lost in a dance off to Steve Wozniak of Apple.

Here is Belinda in her Cougar prom dress getting the news that she needs to go-go:

Call me...call me any day or time...

2009-03-16T16:08:00.003-04:00

I was away for the weekend and just got the chance to update. So lately I have been having lots of technology updates in my life. I switched over to digital phone service which I set up today. What a pain in the ass!

The package arrived from Cablevision with my new modem and instructions on how to set up Optimum Voice. I was all giddy to set it up. I am pretty savvy in computer stuff and other technology gadgets...allegedly. Yeah, cut to 5 hours later and I am finally done. I find it interesting when they send you an installation CD that says "For PC and Macintosh." Clearly the label was printed in 1987. On top of that, the installation CD didn't actually work and I had to call Cablevision to have them manually register my modem. The service seems like it will be cool (now that is is working) as it lets me check my voicemail on my laptop and have the phone ring simultaneously with my cellphone. That's all I needed though..now I have no excuse for not returning any call. However, I can screen calls as I am watching TV, so the caller ID will pop up while watching the latest episode of "Heroes." I am wondering if I can customize it to things like "God damn bill collectors.." "Bi-polar ex..." "Mumsy and Popsy" "Ed McMahon" .

I will look into this.

More to come...

2009-03-13T08:44:00.002-04:00

Ok, I am feeling much better...cold must have been a one day event...or it could be the drugs.

Anywho, I can't really write anything at the moment because my cousin is coming over to spend the day with me and she will be here in a few minutes. This by the way, is my favorite cousin and the one with whom we get into scads of trouble together. Our mothers used to tease that we would end up married. I have no idea what back woods peasant country they grew up in...oh I know, a little village in Greece.

More to come later on today after she leaves. I have to go make sure we have money for bail in case it is needed.

A boy could develop a cold...

2009-03-12T19:31:00.004-04:00

Not much really going on today other than the fact that I somehow have come down with a cold. Yesterday I was fine and then suddenly I get hit with a cold. I am terrible at being sick. I don't get whiny, but I get impatient and just want it over and done with already, much like a new Mariah Carey album. Although with Mariah, she sounds whiny and you still want it over and done with quickly. You may have noticed in the past few posts that I am NOT a Mariah fan. I can tolerate a very small handful of her songs, but after about 10 minutes you get images of rainbows, unicorns, and sparkles and need to turn it off.

So I didn't do much at all today. I went to the supermarket and did the grocery shopping. I needed to make sure I had Weight Watchers friendly food in the fridge and the cupboards. While at the market, I was stocking up on vegetables, fruit, whole grain products, and Coke Zero. (Which one of these doesn't belong?) Coke Zero is my one concession to crap food.

But anyway, the more important thing about the supermarket is that I always hear the best conversations in there. I live for that shit. So today, while in the household products aisle (cleaners, toilet paper, etc.) There was a young mother and her little girl talking about the benefits of the Wet Wipes. I can tell you lots of things about them, I swear by them...but that's not the hot topic right now. So here is the conversation I overheard, verbatim:

Mother: "Jenny do you want the little bear wipes or the Hello Kitty wipes?"

Jenny: "Hello Kitty"

Mother: "You don't like the bears?"

Jenny: "No, the bears are boys and they don't wipe. Hello Kitty wipes her vagina and butt."

Now, I have to give props to Jenny, who was maybe 3 years old for knowing that Hello Kitty was a little girl and that she called it a vagina and not a "flower" or "her special place." Her mother has brought her up right. Though I am wondering where she got the idea that boys don't like the fresh feeling of a good wet wipe?

Anyway, speaking of overheard conversations, the best one I ever heard was a few years ago on the 6 train. (Very J-Lo). Now this conversations needs to be read as if Rosie Perez was narrating it because that is what it sounded like.

Scene: Two girls of about 18 /19 are sitting across the aisle from me with a stack of books in their arms. They are talking about college classes they are taking, and then the following conversation ensues:

Rosie #1: Yo, I gotta read this book for class and I hate it.

Rosie #2: No shit! I hate reading shit I hate!

Rosie #!: I know! I don't understand this shit...I don't get it..it's stoopid!"

Rosie #2: Whatchoo gotta read?

Rosie #1: I don't know...its cawled like "Increasin' Your Brain Powah" or somethin'.

And scene.
+

Anticipation....it's making me wait...

2009-03-11T10:34:00.005-04:00

As I mentioned earlier, part of my severance from Mamerican Mexpress includes use of outplacement services and an executive coach. When I hear the phrase "executive coach" I imagine some suave Cary Grant looking guy in a three piece suit and fedora screaming out plays on the sidelines of football field...well, not screaming, more like showing a Powerpoint presentation that lasts three hours of what he wants the team to accomplish...with lots of clip art.

I have to say I was very skeptical of utilizing these services as I tend to be a person who likes to figure things out on his own and in my own fashion. Having someone stand over my shoulder telling me how to do everything is akin to water torture for me (or listening to Mariah Carey). So, after taking about 6 weeks off to just chill and be social, I decided to get started on the resume building exercises and call the outplacement office. I neglected to mention that they had been calling me at least twice a week since I got laid off, no matter how many times I told them I wasn't engaging with them until mid-February. You would think I owed them money or they were trying to serve me a summons to appear on Judge Judy (love her.)

This morning I had my 4th call with my "coach." I did some warm-up exercises and smudged black grease under each eye before the call. Alright, it wasn't so much as black grease, as it was the remnants of my avocado facial. Those are good! Ok, focus..and we are back. My assignment this past week was to review the draft resume he had built for me and edit the positioning statements he had written and edit my accomplishments. I truthfully admit that this has been sort of an irritating process for me. I tend to just want to get on with it and he wants me to "reflect" and "assess myself" and "sell the sizzle." I swear I feel like I am about to star in a commercial for a buddhist steak house.

In reviewing the position statement he wrote for me, I am thinking that somewhere the experience I have in database marketing (10+ years of it) has somehow translated itself into process and quality engineering. I think he read that since I have led two 6 Sigma initiatives (both focused on database marketing) that I somehow am going to get a cabinet position with President Obama in trimming the fat out of our government. Did I just say fat? See, weight watchers is so ingrained in my mind.

So I let him know that I need to refocus the resume so that it highlights my primary focus in Database Marketing (which I want to continue to focus on since I really enjoy it.) I am not sure he is really teaching me anything more than he is just validating or helping me redirect my own thoughts and ideas. Perhaps that is his role. I am not sure since has never really given me more direction than throwing a bunch of documents at me and having existential "ideal role" conversations. However, it is a service that is provided free of charge and if it gets me a kick-ass resume, then I will gladly suffer through the process a bit. I just need to make sure that he knows that I am not trying to figure out what color my parachute is. It is not like I want to make a detour into the world of pottery and jewelry making. I was actually enjoying the work I had been doing.

One thing I do find amusing has nothing to do with the resume building, but is associated with his personal style. Before I had my first conversation with him, I did a little "Googling" on the guy so that I would know his credentials..and possibly dig up some dirt. Unfortunately, everything I found was tied to his background and career and career counseling. The man actually has terrific credentials. I also found out what town he lives in and his age. (thank you USSearch.com). So while he is about my parents age, he certainly is by no means an "old fart" (sorry mom and dad, you are not "old farts" either). However, sometimes when I speak to him, I swear he was around when the President was assassinated...Lincoln, not Kennedy. His voice is sometimes so faint...and he speaks...so....sl..ow..l..y. It is like when you take a communications class and they tell you to speak more slowly than you normally do. You will think you are slower than molasses but your audience will think you sound fine. This man must have flunked the course...or got an A+ depending on how you look at it. I can also never tell when he is asking a rhetorical question or an actual question because when I start to answer, he will cut me off and then say "yeah yeah yeah..you are so enthusiastic...I have to channel this energy!" Oy.

Anyway, I don't have another call with him until next Wednesday. I can hardly wait.

Baby...I can't weight...

2009-03-10T11:38:00.003-04:00

In 2005, I went on a trip to Europe with one of my closest friends. He is about 6 feet tall, weighs about 150 pounds, and is / was an avid runner. You get the type. You basically wanna bitchslap him when he can fit into anything. Me on the other hand, has a mother who has a yoga fit body, but a father who is built like Danny Devito. Guess whose genes I tend to have more of?

So anywho, we are eating our way through Ireland, England, and France. Enjoying the lowfat options everywhere...um, no. When you can buy a crepe smothered in Nutella on a street corner and you think this is a light snack, you know there are issues. My friend was eating anything and everything and is a bundle of energy. I on the other hand was eating the same things but feeling lethargic and not like I was about to win the Ironman. My friend is also Vegan...maybe he was onto something.

So we are eating, walking around, eating, sight seeing, and eating. We decided we were going to do some clothes shopping in Paris...because that is the religion there. I should have realized that French clothes are cut for my friend, not for me. Almost every single thing I tried on didn't fit. If it did fit, it just made my body remind me that I am Greek / Italian and God will punish me with a belly for it. So, I didn't buy anything. However, it didn't hit me until I saw the pictures from our trip. Who the hell was that guy in the pictures?

When I was a kid, I was so skinny that people used to tell me to eat something, anything! There are photos of me on the beach wearing a bathing suit where my hipbones were sticking out. I looked emaciated, I looked skinny, it was heaven. I ate anything I wanted and had the energy of a chihuahua. As you get older, your body changes, and you can't eat whatever the hell you want whenever you want it.

So, flashforward to 2005. I land back in the States and decide I am going to do something about this. I no longer wanted to be the puffy guy in the photos. I had done Weight Watchers at Work a few years before and had lost 15 pounds..but didn't keep up with it after the work program stopped. So I went online and discovered that WW had now taken their program into the impersonal online world. You mean I could track what I ate online..it would calculate point totals for me..and no one had to see how much I weighed and how much I lost, except for me?? I was in. However, I didn't want to learn how to fit a tub of Cool Whip or a Bacon Cheeseburger into my diet. I really wanted to learn how to eat healthily and enjoy what I was having. So I talked to my Vegan friend, who is also a nutritionist by the by, and decided I was going to go whole hog (pardon the expression) and do the Vegan thing as well.

And I did. I was whipping up the best vegan stirfries for dinner (no oil by the way), was enjoying the best veggie burgers, discovering seitan, and tempeh, and learned that tofu makes a great substitute for formerly creme based dishes and desserts. I was actually loving the food...and the weight was dropping off. So much so that from June - October of that year, I lost almost 60 pounds. I was looking great, I was feeling great, I had boundless energy. My friend hadn't seen me in a few months and when I finally saw him, his response was literally "Holy shit, I can see your jawline."

I went on a conference to Las Vegas that October and folks who had not seen me in a long while kept complimenting me and calling me "slim" and "hot" and whatever. I felt great and I felt like "Wow, I am not the only person who noticed." I think that is when ego started to set in. I felt great and thought, ok, I conquered this, and I stopped being so strict about my eating habits. I managed to keep the weight at the same level for the next year...but never lost another pound, even though I had about 15 to go.

Then, the holiday season hit and my mother kept insisting that I eat the food she prepared (turkey, potatoes, gravy, etc.)..so I did. Then I thought, "this isn't so bad, you can eat a litle bit more here and there." BIG mistake..big..huge. I just became completely careless after that and while I still remained relatively vegan, (completely vegan at home, but not so much when I was out), I was not watching portions. Over the course of almost two years, I managed to put back on about 40 of the pounds I had lost. I went back on WW and lost about 13 pounds, but then became careless again and gained it back.

So here I am. Three and a half years after I initially started my weight loss program, and I am starting it again right now. Well, actually yesterday. I am staying vegan as I enjoy vegan foods and have fun creating vegan versions of non-vegan dishes. I am starting back on my exercise regime (which I used to really enjoy) and deleting delivery.com from my list of Bookmarks. :)

So, to WW, I toast you with my Tall Soy Decaf Sugar Free Vanilla latte (2.5 points). Here's to me...well, less of me.

Welcome to the Cougar Den...

2009-03-09T13:30:00.004-04:00

There is a lot of brouhaha in the press today about Barbie's 50th birthday. Yes, America's favorite blond and the inspiration of young girls everywhere, is officially a "cougar." She still has perky breasts, a skinny waist, and impossibly long legs. Plastic surgery if you ask me.

Living up to her cougar status, Mattel recently launched "Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie." Barbie is now going to be tattooed and will finally have that tramp stamp above her ass she has always wanted. She will regret getting it when it starts to sag and realize it was a waste of money since it will be covered by her "mom jeans." I bet she got tattooed when she was out drinking at TGI Fridays with Skipper and the Bratz Dolls. After too many Purple Passion Margaritas and realizing it was 3am and Ken still hadn't shown up, they all decided to get inked. Rock on Barbie!!

If I read in the paper that she picked up a Cabbage Patch Kid in her Barbie 'Vette, I am done.

Here is Barbie and all of her cougar gear. It comes with an array of tattoos to choose from, so you will have no problem giving her "sleeves" down each arm or perhaps a dragon wrapping its way around her leg.

I know a little bit about a lot of things, but I don't know enough about you...

2009-03-09T10:32:00.003-04:00

I was laid off from my job at a company that I won't mention, but it rhymes with Mamerican Mexpress, this past January. Yes, a victim of the ever so healthy economy and a last minute Christmas gift from the Republican party. I was first told about my job being "displaced" back in late October. After 12 years at the company, I was a little surprised, but didn't really get in a huge panic over it. I guess part of me was sort of relieved to be taking some time off...forced or otherwise. I know it had nothing to do with me or my performance as I was rated as an "exceeding expectations" employee for years. The company was finally getting hit by the economy. As people spend less, the company takes in less charge volume, and therefore, revenue suffers.

So, me and 7,000 of my closest colleagues were told "This is going to hurt us more than it hurts you. It's not you, it's me. I am incapable of loving. I am being selfish." It felt like a breakup from any Kate Hudson / Drew Barrymore / Sex and the City film. I was half expecting there to be a breakup note written on a Post-It stuck to my monitor. I kid, I kid. They handled it with a lot of class and dignity and are paying my full salary and benefits for a year. In addition, they provided me with an executive coach and outplacement services for 4 months. On top of that, I am collecting unemployment which slips me another couple thousand a month. Very ironic that I am making more money being unemployed than being employed. I cannot complain really, they really did treat me well and I hold no ill-will at all.

My friends on the other hand have taken the liberty to have anger for me. I had a Christmas brunch in mid-December at my place. We did a little secret Santa gift exchange and had some fun. Then they broke out a pinata..yes, because we were celebrating with the three Kings in Ixtapa. The pinata was shaped like a donkey and covered with cutouts of Mamerican Mexpress cards. I was then told to beat the shit out of it on my balcony with a broom handle. While I felt like a fool and was sort of worried I was going to smack the shit out of one of them with the stick while blindfolded, they were taking great glee in having the little Centurion soldier on each card take a beating. So once my balcony was covered in the carnage of a cardboard donkey and a thousand Jolly Ranchers, we went inside where I was instructed to burn photo copies of Mamex cards. I really hope this helped them and that they are doing ok with the layoff. I was worried.

So, in an effort to still keep myself moving and focused, as opposed to sitting on my ass all morning watching Maury and The View, I make sure I get out of the house each morning. Usually this involves me taking my laptop (the orgasmic Mac from the previous posting) and going to Starbucks or taking myself to lunch. I am usually spending my time Networking, checking Facebook, working on assignments from the exec coach, or reading the news (ok, it is dlisted.com). This gives me some sort of normalcy of routine and ensures that I do not become a hermit who loses touch with society and starts speaking in backwoods Appalachia jibberish (tay inna win!!! Thanks Nell.)

This morning, I sit in my local Starbucks with my Venti Decaf Skinny Vanilla Latte and I have a list of emails to return, a resume to review, some self-assessment exercises from my executive coach, and wondering what I am missing on The View. My life would be empty without TiVo. Or as my good friend Nancy has named him, "Randolph." She doesn't want to give in to the idea that we are both addicted to a mainstream gadget, so I think she believes that renaming it Randolph suddenly makes it highbrow. My Randolph is very highbrow, who just happens to love episodes of Ugly Betty, American Idol, and Heroes.

It Seemed like a Good Idea at the Time...

2009-03-08T23:04:00.004-04:00

So more often than not, when I am at home, I am using some sort of electronic gadget. Before your mind goes to the top drawer of the nightstand, I am talking about my computer, my ipod, my television, my Kindle, my cellphone, or any kitchen appliance. The ones that give me the most food for thought tend to be related to music (enter the iPod) or literature (enter the Kindle).

About two weeks ago, I decided I wanted a new computer. My old laptop, which was only 1.5 years old, was flaking out. Well, not shockingly, it was flaking out because it was running MS Vista. I have no idea why they called it Vista. Maybe because they knew installing it would make any user want to throw their computer off a scenic vista. That being said, I decided to shoot my old laptop like a racehorse with a broken leg and decided I was going to do the unthinkable and get a Mac. Let me say, I have been experiencing Mac bliss ever since. I need a cigarette about every two hours...and I don't even smoke.

So, as part of this process, I have decided to clean up my iTunes. It took me almost two weeks, but I am finally done. It was rather cumbersome because iTunes decided to take the liberty of changing most of the cover art of my music to whatever the hell it felt like. So we had Depeche Mode with the cover art of Ethel Merman and The Magnetic Fields suddenly took on the orangey Cheeto glow of Britney Spears. So after the clean up was done and I had searched all over Google for the right cover art, I realized a very alarming thing...I have some fucked up music in my collection.

Case in point:

"Baby I Love Your Way/ Freebird Medley" by Will to Power - this is such cheese. All I can imagine is some guidette getting proposed to over this song while on the Staten Island Ferry by her boyfriend Carmine. A love song for big hair everywhere.
"The Best of Expose" I am sensing a trend here.
"Ultimate Dirty Dancing" - a guilty pleasure and one I am terribly embarassed over. No one puts baby in a corner.
"Results" - Liza Minelli - this is probably the most atrocious one of the bunch. Liza Minelli decided it was a good idea to do an album with the Pet Shop Boys. I guess she figured it would help her reach the gay audience she was never able to attract. This can best be experienced by watching the video below...lipsyncing at its best.

So I think I have some deleting to do in my iTunes library before it rejects me and puts me in a corner. More to come as I discover some other scary shit.