Don't judge me...

For years I have had this twisted and sick fascination with court shows. I am not talking about shows like Law & Order, Perry Mason, or Court TV...oh no, I am talking about lowbrow shows like Judge Judy, People's Court, Judge Joe Brown, etc.

For some reason I seem to live for this shit. I have never been in trouble with the law (that I will admit to) nor have I been sued or sued anyone. Though there are a couple of instances where I served on a jury, but I will get to that later.

Every day I TiVo Judge Judy and People's Court. These two are my favorite. They both have a lot of sass and attitude and have their own catchphrases which crack me up. Judge Judy is hosted by former NYC family court judge, Judith Sheindlin. Judy (as I will now call her because we are close), basically doesn't put up with bullshit and excuses and doesn't really have a ton of empathy for most people. She tends to be fact based and is dismissive of any case that seems petty or foolish, regardless if there is any sort of actual legality involved.

Here is a summary of about 80% of the cases that come before her:

Girl loves boy. Girl gives boy money. Boy never pays her back. Girl gives him more money. Boy never pays her back. Girl gives him more money. Boy has three baby mamas on the side. Girl loves boy and puts up with it. Boy dumps girl. Girl is scorned. Classic love story.

So because she is pissed and scorned, she sues him for all the money she gave him while they were in love. Suddenly the money is now a loan..the guys says she kept giving him money so he took it. It was a gift.

Judge Judy usually says: "So what do you want me to do? You picked him. Goodbye!"

I guess what I like about her is that as acerbic as she is, she has a point. People need to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions. If it doesn't turn out the way you wanted, too bad. Live with it or work on changing it. However, you don't get rewarded for being an idiot.

My favorite phrases Judy says sound moronic but actually ring very true:

"Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining!" - (i.e. Don't bullshit me. )

"Beauty fades, dumb is forever." (i.e. stop acting like a hoochie and use your brain for once)

"Don't try to teach a pig to sing, it never works, and it irritates the pig." - (i.e. don't try to change anyone, it doesn't work, and just pisses them off. )

The second show is People's Court. Now I have watched this show off and on since I was a little kid. I have seen each incarnation through Judge Wapner, Ed Koch, Jerry Sheindlin (yes, Judy's husband), and finally Marilyn Milian. Marilyn Milian is my favorite...she is a Latina originally from Queens but now lives in Miami. She brings her boricua attitude to everything and every once in a while when she is getting all worked up she throws out phrases in Spanish like Ricky Ricardo. However, the thing about her is she has empathy, she is willing to give people a bit of a chance to explain things, before she calls bullshit.

My favorite case ever on her show had to do with a woman who was suing her best friend. Her best friend was a rather large gal (OK, bitch was huge) who broke her sink in her bathroom. How did she break the sink? Why, she was getting nailed by her boyfriend on the sink while they were visiting her friend's house. She didn't think she should have to pay because they didn't break it on purpose. Cut to the chase...she lost and now needs to find another place to make sexy times.

Judge Milian has a few catchphrases herself that amuse the hell out of me..usually they are said in Spanish, so I will translate (because I am so international.):

"Where you are going, I already went there, sat down, had a soda, and then came home." (i.e. I already know the bullshit story you are going to tell me. )

"I itch here, but you are scratching me there." (i.e. I am asking you one question, but you are answering another)

"The cheap comes out expensive." (i.e. Because you were such a cheap bastard and wouldn't do the right thing, now your ass has to pay more than you would have otherwise.)

Both Judge Judy and Judge Marilyn could save themselves a lot of time if they boiled them down to my own personal catchphrase, "Own your shit."

I will tell you all about my experience as a juror in the next posting...it links directly to the People's Court and left me flummoxed! (I love that word.)